Thursday, March 06, 2008

A New Day Has Dawned in Connecticut

A New Day Has Dawned in Connecticut

By the time this is printed the 1st Annual Quinebaug Valley Community College Arts & Science Entertainment Expedition to see the flayed, sliced and diced human beings on display at the “Bodies Revealed" exhibit, by Premier Exhibitions in Hartford, will have set off for fun and games! Tittering students will have driven off to the big city to stare, ogle and gawk to the full extent of their school-funded discount price. What a bargain! Where else, for only ten U.S. Dollars, can you see humans scientifically, but artfully, ripped open, cut into pieces and posed in oh so delicate ways without all that bloody mess that usually accompanies such activities? Why, it's almost religious in the experience!

Somebody ought to market this, they could make a mint. Besides being fun it could perform a valuable public service. Just imagine Plastinating Body Shop franchises popping up next to McDonalds everywhere. Bring in your dead, and for less than the cost of a funeral, plastinate that loved one for permanent display as a lawn ornament. Wonderful! Put wheels on them so they can be easily taken in and out of storage. Pose them in their favourite team's uniform, and trot them out for every home game! Take them to tailgating parties! Use them to scare off burglars, or crows. Or, for sweet revenge, pose and dress them in embarrassing positions! Oh, wouldn't that be a riot at the next tea and tart social?

Why, that gives me another great idea! Excess humans can be plastinated and set up as chess pieces for life-size games in every public park. In fact, all those tenement eyesores can be bulldozed for new flower filled plazas. No more noisy neighbours! What's not to love?

There is no shortage of superfluous people to use as raw material. Look at all the degenerates that clog up our communities, lowering property values and endangering our children. They could finally be doing something worthwhile, and it would make every neighborhood a pleasant place to live. And, oh my, wouldn't it be lovely to not have to listen to them rant anymore? There is just so much noise and argument in this world that we can never get any thing done, or have any proper peace and quiet. If we could have all the rabble rousers, misfits and freaks cleaned up, dressed properly and hair done stylishly, but conventionally and oh yes, all those nasty tattoos and piercings covered over and filled in with some new People-Plaster product (which, by the way, opens the door to more new financial opportunities) we can finally enjoy life without all that squalour and clamour. In fact, it would be restfully quiet now that only the soft strands of intellectual music would fill the air; no more screeching or awful explosions of bass guitars and raucous drumming blasting from boom-boxes and car stereos.

Instead of always releasing those dirty, uncouth criminals back into the public when their sentences are finished, we could finally be rid of their hurtful insanities while still preserving their beauty. You have to admit, some of those bad boys & girls would be just so deliciously sexy if they were cleaned up, and shut up. Why, I imagine a special adults-only playset would be a hot seller. Of course, those bodies would have to easily store in the bedroom closet, but I'm sure that won't be a problem for our good old American ingenuity. The possibilities are endless! Imagine: automated plastinated bodies for fortune telling booths, carnival scare houses and school biology classes. Stick a computer brain in their heads and we can have plastinated bodies as casino card dealers, toll booth attendants, theater ticket takers and factory assembly line workers. There is also the fantastic opportunity for numerous spin-off products to keep the bodies new and shiny, and to fix the inevitable wear and tear marks!

Don't forget, they could also be performing a great human service: before we plastinate them we can use their healthy organs for medical transplant in order to save the lives of the more respectable folk, like us.

Yes, let's finally do something about all the crazy protesters, smelly riff-raff and illegal immigrants clogging up our communities with all their poverty, addictions and bad manners. I think Plastinating Body Shops is the wave of the future. Not only will it be educational and artistic, it will be fun too!

But we better get crackin' 'cause China has a head start on us, and just look at the horde of people they can turn into plastic. Why, they could flood the market before we even get started!

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